March 4, 2009
Shaun, your 30th birthday is here and mom is so full of sadness, loneliness, heartache
and at times my heart screams to tell you what life is like for me, without you in it. If only I could bring you back to me....
As always moms can’t stop crying. Son to write about you is so hard for me to do because there are so many memories,
oh so many good and bad ones. I’m sure you made me mad many times but I can’t think of one time. That’s
a mother’s love.
My arms ache to hug you, to hold my grandchild to watch it run to me so I can then
and only then truly share the same love and hugs I gave to you for the short 19 years I had you. It’s so sad to think
this will never be. I love our big family because we love and hug each other a lot and we all know we’re loved. As much
as I love them I can never hug anyone the way I hugged you, son. I still feel the hugs I once gave too you, it’s a feeling
like no other.
The love between a mother and son, the nine months I carried you, you was one hundred
percent mine, when you were sick, mine, the man of the house, mine or just needed money, you were still mine in good times
and bad, you were always mine. The love I had when you were born was nothing, like it would grow to be by the time you were
19. So many times I wish I could go back and undo all your hurt, just make it all happy but life is not like that. Sometimes
I wish everyone could look through my eyes and heart. Oh, how things would change for them and their families.
So as your birthday comes and goes it is just another day in my life without you,
but, I know if you’re in heaven it’s a day full of so much more than a birthday here with me could ever be. Shaun,
I would never bring you back from heaven no matter how much it hurts my heart. Be happy and always know mom loves you!!
To our family, friends and those who I have never met, but have touched my life with
love and kind words, so many who like me have lost their children, thank you for coming to meet Shaun or just leaving a note
in his guest book.
Forever and always Shaun’s mom
