A Tribute Of My Love For My Son, Shaun
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Messages from Mom

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May 27,2002
SHAUN 
This will be my letters to you. I think this also will be my way of letting myself heal from a broken heart. One that will never ever be the same without you son in moms life. Some days I'll need to cry and I know you would understand. Other days I hope to tell about all the good times we have had. Today SHAUN I just want to say over and over how much I love and miss you. I also can't stop crying. I love writing your name "SHAUN" and  just seeing  it. I have a song for this page that says so much about the way I feel. I hope to get it on soon.[Sara Evans] No Place That Far. SHAUN if only I could I know I would run, crawl, or swim a hundred rivers to climb  a thousand walls  just to get to where you are. My love I'll never face anything in my life time as hard as losing you. Where ever you are please know your mom loves you as much today as a life time can allow.  I also want you to know I still look for your favorite cereal cocoa pebbles ever time I go to the cereal. The last time I went I though ,"Oh no! They don't make it anymore". So I just walked up and down the aisles so sad because I aways want it to be there to remind me that I haven't forgot the things you liked. One last time I went back and there it was. I had to smile thinking of you "my baby boy". SHAUN, SHAUN, SHAUN and once again SHAUN!  Love Always and Always Missing You. Mom
                      

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Family reunion Lake Cumberland

Aug 2008

Shaun, mom needs you so very tonight, I feel so alone without you son. I wish I could come and work on your website without crying so much. It just reminds me you’re not here and you're not come home anymore and it hurts so bad son. I can’t believe it’s now going on 11 years without you in my life and sometimes I just wonder what life!!

Next month we "The Baker Family" will go on our 18th  family reunion at Lake Cumberland, the Point. I was looking through the book that everyone signs each year and so many sweet memories of you and the love our family has for you and each other. I wish you could be here! I know we would be so excited about getting everything ready to go.

I made a promise to myself after the parole hearing in May I would try to move on just a little as I could and be happier. Well, it’s not so easy Baby Boy. After all you were my life. So I will just say thank you Jesus for helping me for now.

I know you are loved and missed by so many in our family and I’m sure I will hear the sweet memories of you at the reunion. I know you knew how much I loved you and I’m so thankful to God for that. Forever and always, Mom

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                               April 16, 2008

Well, Shaun I ask and got what I wanted so bad from the Parole Board on April 16, 2008. We went to the prison for his hearing and he would not say he was sorry for all the heartaches he caused our family but that’s OK he was ordered to serve out the remainder of his time. No more parole hearings will I worry about going to. Thank you sweet Jesus for that!!!

The parole board members were so kind when we went before them on April 14, 2008. I felt for the first time someone listen to what we had to say. Shaun, we had so much anger, hurt and why’s, but it was all about "YOU" what we your family loved and lost on May 3, 1998

I feel Mom has gone as far as I can to help make him pay for the uncaring act he did to us, but never in this life time will I be whole again. I feel my soul has been emptied out and now I will try to start my life a new the best I can. I know it will take time but I will work hard on it, I know that’s what you would want for me.

I ask God to please help me with this and grow stronger in his love. Once again I find he is what I will need and if I will drew near to him he will draw near to me. Its times like this when I will need him the most. I do thank you Lord for all the prays you have heard and for helping me and my family come through this.

Still, always and forever Son. "MY BABY BOY, SHAUN" will I love and miss you with ever fiber of my being. Until God blesses us to be together again!!!

Mom

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March 4, 2008

Shaun, my baby boy, 29 years ago our lives had just begin. You so tiny, me so afraid of things I could not do. As the years came and went you grew up so fast and all the time I was still so afraid

Of things I could not see before you.

Tonight as I sit here wishing I could say something to help myself, my broken heart and spirit. Without you sweetheart your Birthday is just another day of wanting to wishing you so many things I can’t.... Shaun I do know that my life will never be normal again without you.

As I set here writing you hoping to find peace in myself, but nothing seems right that I say. I can’t tell you something I’m not sure of myself.

Today I let myself wonder back to the little baby boy, maybe two years old, lying in my bed with a high fever, keeping cool towels on his little forehead. You where so sick and had to be put in the hospital. I could pick you up and hold you so close to me. God, I want my child back for his 29th Birthday. If only for the day!!Mom’s crying crying crying so hard I can’t see. Lord, I know we could talk until his next birthday and still not tell him how much this has devastated my life. God, only you can understand what I need, not what I want. Please help me to also understand.

Shaun, it is raining so hard here tonight and a good time for cookies and hot coco like we used to do. It’s so lonely being here on your birthday and the rain. I know your life is so much better than mine, and for that I truly thank God. I wonder what my life would have been like without you and God. He has helped me make it this far and I know he will help me all the way. He didn’t promise it would be easy, some days better some not.

Mom’s life has been turned up side down with the parole hearing coming. Your life never mattered to the man who took it and now to think the most your "our" life is worth is 13 years. I can’t understand this. I just want to scream, make him stay longer to pay for what he did to us. I know no one would listen anyway. I wonder what he’s looking forward to first, coming to the flower garden to see where he took your life or just doing all the things you love so dearly.

I much say I was hoping he would die in prison where he belongs. Life just gets harder when it comes to him "whose name has never been mention or never will on your website."

Shaun you would be so proud of our family and friends and all the kind, loving and caring memories they have of you and kindness for me. We always knew ours was the best, and they haven’t let us down. Mom love you and wishes I could if only for a moment look in on you and know you’re happy!!

Forever loving you!!!

Mom

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                                                             Jan.1 , 2008

Dear Shaun, this is so hard for Mom to do, wishing I could wish you a Happy  Birthday and know you would be here to hear me. I do go back in time to the day you where born and wish I could see how little time I would have with you. Oh how I would cherish ever moment with you and forget the little things and not worry what others may think. It would be all about you sweetheart!!!

I know we had hard time but we also had many happy ones. Shaun you were so kind and understanding and that’s what made you so special to me. If only for a moment I could see what it would have been like for us, You married? Me with grandchildren? Maybe the granddaughter I wanted and you said you would never have because I didn’t have you any brothers and sisters.

Shaun, life is so short and you never got to live yours to the fullest... I’m so thankful that I have hope of being with you someday and my pray to God is please just let you call me Mom. I do thank God for the 19 years he let me have with you and to give you the flowers while you where living with me everyday, I just needed more time

Son, as the date comes near of the day you were Murdered I’m so saddened to think 10 years have gone by without you with me for one day and time is almost here for the man who took you from me to come up for parole

I’ve wonder so many times why he would take your life, why not just talk to you, you were willing, or even hurt you, but not kill my Baby Boy. I wonder did he not know the love of a son the way I did, and still do… I don’t think so!!! I could never for see 9 years and 11 months ago I would be worrying or even thinking about someone getting parole in less then 10 years, but even more hurtful in knowing he will be release Sep. 23, 2011 after only 13 years 4 months I just can’t understand why your life and mine meant so little to him. The love, of my life, ended the day he took your life and now to think he can start anew one. God is my only hope to live with this.

~Always and forever loving you Shaun~ Your, Mom

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    Dec. 2007

March 4, 1979 ~~~ May 3, 1998

My Dear Sweet Son, how can it be my 10th Christmas without you? Shaun not one Christmas light has Mom put up since you’ve been gone and I can’t for see I ever will. Baby Boy, I miss you so much this time of the year and still wonder why you… This would have been your 28th Christmas and oh how I wish I could just see what it would have been like for us, You married? Me with grandchildren?

I will never know, and moms heart hurts so bad, if only I could hug you once more and hear You say I love you Too. I know this is things we did everyday and that makes me wish even more that I could have you back. Only someone who has loved and lost what We had can understand me!!

I have hope of being with you someday and my pray to God is please just let you call me mom, until then I must give thanks to my Lord Jesus Christ for the 19 years he let me have you. I also thank God he let me give you the flowers while you was living with me everyday.

I still wonder so many times why anyone would take your life, why not just talk to you, you were willing, or even hurt you, but not kill my baby boy. I wonder did he not know the love of a son the way I did, and still do… I don’t think so!!!

I could never for see 9 years and 7 months ago I would be worrying or even thinking about someone getting parole in April 2008 less then 10 years, but even more hurtful in knowing he will be release Sep. 23, 2011 after only 13 years 4 months

I just can’t understand why your life and mine meant so little. The love, of my life, ended the day he took your life and now to think he can start anew one. God is my only hope to live with this.

~Always and forever loving you Shaun~

Your, Mom

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12-13-2007

Well, Baby boy, I wish I could write more to you but sweetheart you are always in my heart and on my mind. I have being watching a lot of Christmas show and when someone dies and comes back it always makes me cry. I just wish I could know you was here with me sometimes.

Shaun, I know when I make your no bake cookies you will be in my heart. I will be going home so everyone can help me make all the cookies and candy that you ones did and Oh God I wish it was you this year. I just thank God he will help me another year without you…

We will be wearing the badges in your memory this year and I wish I could put all the new members with you on a picture. I guess I will try that next year. Son, only my lord knows how much I miss you tonight. I would love to have you here and go get the peach pop we both loved so much.

Son I pray that you’re in a better place than I’m in tonight. It so lonely here without you Shaun and mom can’t wait to be with you some day soon. Until then please always and forever know you will be mom’s baby boy. Love and Hugs are being sent your way.

 

 

 

 

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March 4, 2007

My Dear Sweet Son, oh God, my baby boy It's your birthday and 28 years ago today Sunday March 4, 1979 God gave you to me never knowing we would have to part much to soon. Shaun, God and time are helping me heal but my life will never be right again in this old world without you.

Someday I think God knew something that I didn't or maybe he saw something I couldn't have lived with so he took you from the bad thing to come. Aunt Joy said last night you make her think of our Dad, he was always so kind and always wanted everyone to like him!! Just like you son!!

This day bring back happy memories of all the times I fuss over all the pain I went through to have you, I thank god we both knew I never really meant it and you was worth it all. I just can’t help thinking what it would be like today if only the man who took your life from me had only done a few thing different or my love if only you had?? I just don’t understand!! Only God knows and I’m thankful I do put my trust in him that someday I can forget this ever happen and be together for evermore. I’m like so many in our family who put there trust in our next life where no sadness, pain or hurt can ever inter in. I can’t wait to be with you and I just want to say please God Please let you call me Mom, Please God!!

Baby Boy, I can’t do this without crying so hard I can’t see to write what I feel in my heart. I just thank God you knew. I don’t know how I could live with myself if I did believe that. I love reading all the things your family and friends write about you. I love them for taking time to remember you and let me see the love they have for both of us. Shaun, we both was blessed to have each other and a wonderful family who always love and looked out for you and me…..

Shaun, you was my Baby Boy, my Son, my Best Friend and MOST of all the real TRUE love of my LIFE. Sweetheart until we are together again always know you will forever live on in Mom’s heart.

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12- 19- 2006

Shaun my baby boy,

this will be my 9th Christmas without you and it still hurts the same as the first one.. Son, I miss and love you so very much and now that it’s just me I just wish Christmas could be over with. We have taking the true meaning out of Christmas and I don’t like it. I do thank God for what peace I have in him, it’s his Birthday not ours but you would never know that. Son it took you dying for me to truly understand it.

This year I’ve been looking for a soup kitchen where I could help feed the homeless. I know this would be the best thing for me, to help others who are in need like myself.

I wonder if you were here what would we do after all you would be 27 year old not 19 anymore. Cry Cry you will forever be 19 years old in my heart cry cry.

So many things I wish I could go back and do over, first and foremost God and Church would be the first thing I would do with you and maybe this would not have happen to us. Shaun, I wish I could say "Mom is so happy this Christmas" but I’m not, I still can’t do Christmas tree or anything to do with it like we did.

I remember the first year after Momma Baker died I didn’t want to put a tree up and you was 10 years old, but you said it was OK if we didn’t. I guess I was just so sad and not thinking!!! When we stop by, at the time it was Dairy Mart, to get whatever, they had Christmas trees out front and you said I will pay for one if you want me to. Shaun I’m so sorry for not thinking. All these things come back to hurts so bad. We got the tree and the next 18 Christmases I had you we had a tree.

Son, my pray always for you is that God will take care of you until we can be together once more never to part. I just wish it was now that I could be with you. Always and forever missing and loving my Baby Boy.

~~~Hugs~~~

Mom

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July 9, 2006

Hey my baby boy, it’s been so long since I wrote. My love is as strong today as it was the day you left. I can’t believe it’s been 8 years 2 months and 6 days that I haven’t got to tell you how much I love and need you in my life. I know something are just not to be for very long and son, we was one of them. God only knows how much I want to say PLEASE GOD let me have him back one more day!! Even though I know it can’t be I still want it. Life is going on but not like it would be if you was here with me. Now its time to CRY. Shaun, I know you would understand that mom just can’t come here without crying. I see so many things that make me think of you and most of the time it makes me smile because it always something to do with the things you loved most nature and all the wildlife in it. You would love where I live now and it would just be perfect for me if only I had you........

Love and Hugs always, Mom

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2-28-06

Shaun, my baby boy it’s almost your birthday and I can't celebrate it without you here with me. I can’t believe it’s been 27 years ago that you where ready to join this big old world. How I wish I knew then what I know now Son, I would have tried to make everything in your life better. Sometimes I think how I wish I would have been a better Mom but, I know you would say you was and you worry to much Mom and Son, I do. I still worry about so many things I know I can never change and you’re one of them.

As I came home the other day as I do so many times look up at the sky and think what would we be doing today "I sometimes forget you would be alot older and out on your own" this day I thanked God for some peace in my heart and wish I had let him help me sooner. I sure needed him.

I took a drive on the back roads the other day like we use to do and for the first time sense losing you I kind of let myself enjoy it but never like I did when it was you and me.

I still have the your shirt in my closet you had laid out to wear the day you....... and I will always keep it with my clothes as long as I live so I can touch a part of you. I also have a bottle of your Ralph Lauren that I love to open and smell and Baby Boy it still smells just like you.

As I start to remember to much I just want to cry and cry so it’s time for Mom to stop. I hope to go and set out some flowers at the Flower Garden and Cemetery this weekend on March 4, for you on your Birthday. Forever and always loving and missing you Son.

Mom

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12-20-2005

Shaun, tonight I’m making your cookies and I will always remember when it was you helping me and son. I’m feeling so sad for not doing thing I know others think I should but Shaun I know you will never know what’s going on in this old world again. I thank God I did all I could for you while you was here with me. My heart is OK with our life as we both knew we loved eachother when you was here in my life. I know in my heart how much I loved you then and how much I will always love you son. I still ask God to please keep you in his care until we can be together someday again. Shaun, nothing will ever be the same in Moms life again without you and God above knows all I want is to be with you. Some days are good but not today. My heart just wants to scream how tired I am of living in this world without you. If I could have one wish for us it would be for us you and me to be together this Christmas in your new home. Time to go I just can’t do this anymore tonight. Forever loving and missing my Baby Boy. Mom

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12-05

Shaun, it’s almost Christmas and I’m missing you so much!! I wish I could be with you this year. I wonder what you will be doing. Is everyday like Christmas, I just wish I knew everything that you’re doing. As always we will be spending it with Dot Dot this year and wearing a badge with your picture on it. So many like to take them home with them so I’m sure we need to make more. Shaun you will never be forgotten with our family because so many still like to tell their children and me things about you. Only God knows how much I love them for not forgetting about you. I’m sure you would say how could anyone for get ME. So I hope God will bless me and our family with only happy memories of you this Christmas. God please let him know how much he is loved and misses this year.

Mom

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10-05
Only God knows how much I love and miss you Shaun and how hard it is for me this time of the year with everyone getting ready to go Deer hunting. I know how much you love everything about camouflage, fourwheeling and hunting. I can only imagine in my mind how excited you would be getting all your things together to go with everyone. Son, my heart still cries to hear your voice or just to touch you once again.  Mom

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May 2, 2005

Dear God, tonight as I sit here thinking about Shaun and how much I miss and love him I need you to please help heal some of my broken heart. I know it can never be the same without him in my life but could you please help me through the next few days. I know he’s not coming back to me and God that is almost more than my heart can stand. I was just thinking back to the way I would touch my cheek and he always knew what I wanted him to do "kiss me" and he always did if he wasn't mad at me :). God it’s the little things I miss most like him coming to get me and take me and buy us a peach soda, we both loved them. Asking for french toast, wanting chocolate chips cookies and milk he loved this, he always ate my chocolate chips because I didn’t like chocolate. He could always make the best scrambled eggs I ever ate and I haven’t had any like his senses he was called home. Lord, I sure do miss my baby boy tonight. Shaun your aunts, cousins and me worked at the Flower Garden and the Cemetery today everything Is beautiful. Aunt Robin bought you a flag and had everyone sign it at church today, it had a Deer on it so we knew you would love it. Tom and Bryan put it up. Son, I’m sending you hugs and all the love I can tonight through my mind and heart. Shaun, it hurts so bad, got to go. Mom

 

 

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The way I felt on May, 3 1998

 

April 18, 2005

Shaun, as this horrible day May 3, comes for the 7th time I wonder why it has to be like this for us. Son I just wish I could be with you. I had found no happiness with out you before May 23, 2004. God had blessed me with a little more but nothing like it was before you was murdered. I ask God a lot to please take good care of you until I can someday soon "I hope". A lot of your family went to the Flower Garden a few weeks ago and there was lots of four wheelers and everyone was just sitting around talking and looking at everything. I was so happy to see so many there and told them it was a pretty site for my eyes to see them all just visiting. They was amaze with everything and that no one in 6 years had bother anything. I truly thank God for every ones kindness. So many has left me notes about you or just offer their prayers and love. Shaun, I love knowing so many people knew you and how much they thought of you. Son, I hope that means I helped do something right. My love, I miss and love you so very much tonight. Shaun my heart cries to hear you just say "I love you mom". Oh how I would be happy to hear you just say anything or if only I could hug you and never let you go. CRY CRY CRY that’s Mom as I think of all I would love to say or do just one more time but that would never be enough I would just want more. With Gods help and my prays we can someday Son........ Got to go! Can’t stop Crying!! Love you my Baby Boy, Mom

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   12-4-2004
Shaun my baby boy, I sure do love and miss you tonight. My heart still aches when I think of any part of my life without you and it hurts so very much as Christmas come. If only I had you back we would celebrate it so much more then we ever did and Baby it would be about God. I hate the way it is now all about shopping and never thinking what it really is all about. The birth of our "Lord Jesus Christ". Son, my hope is someday we will be together again and only God knows how much I want it to be that you come running to me to tell me how happy you are and "PLEASE Lord" let him call me Mom...... Lord, you know my heart tonight and I’m so glad you do because you know how much it’s hurting without Shaun in my life. God you know there is nothing in my life I would love more tonight than to be with you and Shaun. Lord, I’m so glad to have you in my life but again I can’t hide what I feel in my heart from you. Shaun, this will be seven years of Christmases without you and Baby Boy its just as bad as the first one. I’m just learning to live with it but it never goes always. If it wasn’t for our sweet Savior Jesus Christ I don’t know what I would do. It’s just so hard without you!!! Mom will always love and miss you and hope some day you will call me Mom again. Love, Mom 
                

  9-23-2004

Shaun, your favorite time of the year is here and oh, Baby Boy how I wish you were too!! I know you always loved the Fall because is was "big time hunting" for you. All the things you loved so very much sometimes makes me cry when I think of you. Only the good Lord above knows how much my heart still hurts for you Son. I can only hope for the time we can be together again forever. Shaun, I think I could hold and hug you and never let go but I'm sure you would say OK mom that enough but, right now Shaun I can only see forever as being enough time to hug and tell you how much I love and am missing you,. Every time I think of you I ask God to please bless and  hold you my Baby Boy until I can again someday. Son, today is one of those I just want to cry and cry. I hope you know how much I love and miss you because it a lot!!!! CRY CRY CRY that Mom today. I know God will always take care and help me make it until we all are together again when we will cry no more, only happiness forever and ever. God knows I sure look forward to that day. Love you my baby boy and God please take care of him for me PLEASE!! Mom
                    

 

9-15-04

Shaun, the family reunion was very good this year but it would have been a lot better for me if you was still here. Son, I just miss you so much at times like this. A few didn’t get to come and we missed them too. No new one this year oh well, maybe next year we will have some. As always I know you would have loved it being with everyone. Will go until next time please know Mom is always loving and missing you but I do thank God for letting me keep you for 19 years. Mom

 

 

9-10-04

As we get together once more I wish I knew you could see me Shaun you would know I have truly found happiness again something I never thought I would. It’s still not the same without you at our family reunions and it never will be for Mom and many of the others. You were loved and still are. You will always be here with us in our hearts but sometimes I just want more of you.

Son, I’m so glad to say God has brought me in as one of his children and I know how much you would have loved to be here to see it. I also want to say thanks to you and our loving family who has send up so many prays for us and God also for hearing them. I know we are a blessed family and I’m sure it has a lot to do with all the prays Mom and Dad send up for us along time ago. Shaun, we will miss you outdoing so many of us on the fun things like you always could do. Love You Always and Forever Son, Mom 


 
August 2, 2004

Hey my Baby Boy!! Just had to take some time to come by and let you know how much I love and miss you today. Shaun, moms life had changed so much and I know you would be so happy for me. God has give me the peace that I couldn’t find without you in my life and I’m just so thankful for his mercies on me. I pray for you and ask God to please have mercy on my Baby and I know he is a merciful God. I wish I could just see and hold you tonight as I did when you was only a few years old when it was still OK for me to do that. But you know you never got to big or to old to want hugs from me, all your aunt and cousins. I’m so thankful for all the good memories we have of you. Mom just loves you so much tonight and hopes you know all the good things that has happen for me and your family.

Shaun I love to hear things about you and know after 6 years time is showing so much comfort to all who loves you. But Mom will always feel that empty sadness in my heart for you and long to hear anyone say anything or just your name. The mention of your name can bring a smile to my face and heart like nothing else. Shaun when my time comes to come home for evermore please ask God if you can also meet me so I won’t be so afraid. I have promised God and will also promised you that I will live my life everyday so it will be pleasing to him so I can be with you eternal. God please bless and keep me in your hands that I will always do your will and love you more everyday of my life.
                   

 

June 15, 04

Hello My Baby Boy, I was just thinking of you with so much love and peace in my heart tonight and I pray God lets you Mom and Dad know just how happy I am. Shaun my darling, I still feel like I could run, crawl, or swim a hundred rivers to climb a thousand wall just to get to where you are!! Now I feel in my heart we can be together someday and I don't have to run, crawl, swim anything just keep my life right with God and pray. Shaun, I promise you tonight I can and will do this. I'm sitting here wondering what your life is like tonight or is there a night where you are?? Have you talked to God today just you and him?? Have you told him some of your funny stories or just held his hand and let him tell you of his life. So many things I want to know about God, you and heaven. Sometimes I feel like I can't wait until I'm there also. Mom still cries for you and still needs to feel her arms around you baby and someday I know I will.  I guess its time to go now because I can't stop crying. Please know it not all so sad for Mom like it was. Until were together again please know you are always and forever in my heart and I'm always loving you Shaun. Mom 
                     


 
May 25, 2004

Shaun, tonight as I sit here thinking of you I have some peace in my heart. Sunday the 23, Jess and me gave our lives to God and I have ask him for help in my life for the first time since losing you my Baby Boy. I know I will ones again take one day at a time the way I did when you died but it was one minute at times then. Now I have God's help and know if I do my best he will always be there for me. I'm asking him to please help me so I will know what I need to do. Shaun, only God knows my heart and he knows how much my life has gone down hill since May 3, 1998 and how much I have needed you so many times. My hearts desire is to see and hold you again someday soon. Shaun, I hope God let you know how much my life is changing and holds you close to his heart until were together again. Love you always and forever, Mom
                            

 

 May 3, 2004
Shaun, my baby boy how much I hate this day. As I sit here trying to write something to you my heart feels like it will die if I have to think you're gone. God knows I still don't want to believe it's true. As this time of the year comes I must let everyone know I haven't forgot you and then I think "could anyone really think that could be true" If they knew us they would know how Moms still dying daily inside. Shaun, since I have live here 11 months I have watched the Foxes play in the front yard, Squirrels in the back yard, at one time Im sure 15 Turkeys and so many Deers I can't remember. Each and every time I think of how our life would have been if only........... Lord son, I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I still don't think my life is worth living without you and don't forever see that it will ever be. I can never truly tell how I'm feeling inside but the pain is unbearable at times like this. Sometimes I wonder if the man who took your life thinks of me and what this day is like for your family. Does he feel bad for us or does he feel bad for himself. I cant believe 6 years have come and gone and that means in 4 years he has a chance of getting his life back and what about mine. May 3, 1998 mine stopped and oh god, the pain is still just as bad. Shaun, I think I will always wonder why and I know I will never know, but god help I just don't understand why???? I dreamed of you yesterday and was so happy to see you, all I wanted to do was stay right with you and keep you so close to me. Oh but when I woke up and then it not real I start to think "what do I, me, your Mom really have to live for without you Shaun????? Its time to stop my heart has had all it can take but I know you always knew how much I loved you and that will have to do Mom heart today..... Forever crying without you Shaun!!!! Sending you all my love and hugs that I have. Mom
                          

 

March 4, 2004
 
Shaun, as your birthday once again comes and I must face it without you, I feel like I will die not to be able to share it with you. Son, you would have turned 25 this year if only you were here with me and oh, how many times I have daydreamed of what our life would be like. If only I could tell you how much moms life has changed since May of 1998.

My Baby Boy, it was just not meant to be for us and I will have to live with that and God knows this is the hardest thing I will ever have to live with. I can never be nor would I want to be the same without you!!! So many days as I come home alone I let myself wonder back to the day that there was so much more to be happy about. The days we shared, some maybe not so good, but others so wonderful and if only I had you today I would make them all wonderful for us. Moms life needs you in it to make me happy again and I understand thats not going to happen.

Son, I sit here tonight feeling like Im dying inside without you. Shaun, I wonder why, why you and me? God please help me to understand Why I had to lose my baby boy, Shaun. Please God Why Shaun why not me!!! Everyday in my life is like going to a sad funeral of someone I love and need and I just dont understand why you and me.

Just the other day I had this happy feeling inside and it was like nothing I have ever felt since losing you and I was thinking I will go home and call you and then I realized youre gone and the happiness was gone also. I cant explain the way I feel when I let myself forget that your gone. Its like being so high you could fly its like youve said before Shaun, " its an awesome feeling". Its so much more than I can ever say, if only, I could stay like that and the only way I could, Son, is to have you back in my life again. Mom hopes you have the best Birthday ever and always know youre still my whole life.
Love You always and forever my Baby Boy Shaun, Mom
                        


 12-2003
I would like to start off by saying how much Shauns website has helped heal some of my broken heart over the last two years that we have been blessed to have it. Thanks to Jason!! But most of all to say thanks to each and everyone who has taken the time to come by and get to know my baby boy Shaun and left me encouraging messages saying they can see the love I had for him. I can never truly say how much that means to me, but it's a lot. I know in my heart you would have to know the loss of a child to know the pain that a Mother goes through for the rest of her life to really understand what she is thinking. Sometimes the things that us mothers, who have lost our children, do might seem unusual or maybe even a little strange to you, but, its just our way of dealing with this horrible nightmare we will forever be going through, so if you see us Mothers saying or doing things that you don't understand, please just be kind to us for you see our hearts are broken and will never be healed. Even though this will be my sixth Christmas without Shaun it still feels like only yesterday he was so excited about helping me get ready for Christmas with our family whom we always spend it with. Christmas has never nor will ever be the same for any of our family without him to share it with. This year on Christmas Eve we will all wear a badge with Shauns picture on them from Christmas pass or just fun times in his life. This is our way of letting all the new family members know him too. I know if Shaun could only know the way everyone misses him and how hard they work to keep his memory alive and by so many of you who never got the pleasure of knowing him he would be so proud. I can't begin to truly say how much I love and appreciate everyone who takes the time to come by here and his flower garden and just sit for awhile. So many of you have touched my heart with all the kind words and memories you have of Shaun and thanks for sharing them with me. I hope in my life time I will touch your life in a kind and understanding way to help you as you have helped me. Merry Christmas With Love To You All!! Shaun's Mom, Nadine
                           

                                                                                                                          
 December 16, 2003
Shaun, as I sit here tonight thinking of you as I have so much these last few days knowing Christmas is just around the corner and for the sixth time I will do it all without you. This is almost more then Moms heart can take. One again I'm crying!!! As I drove home today Son I just told God how much I wish I had my Baby Boy back with me. I tried to think of something that would make me enjoy this season but I know thats not going to happen without you Shaun. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if God understands what this had done to me. I just want to scream out to everyone please don't take your children for granted love them today and hold them so closet it hurts. God how I wish I could do this once again to the one person who gave me that reason for living everyday.
I know God knows how much my heart is still hurting and I wounder will it ever stop but I already knew the answer to that before I even thought it. I know I will go on without you in my life because I have to but I will never be the same happy mom I once was!!!  That Shaun was taken from me as you was on that sad day in May.
 
I still make your favorite "No Baker Cookies" and I know you would want me to because you knew everyone like yourself loved them and I guess thats one of our true Christmas tradition that I will always carry on for you my Baby Boy!!!!
Once more the Baker family will get together this year on Christmas Eve and everyone will have a badges with your pictures on them so the new little or big additions to our family will also get to hear stories about you. So you Shaun my love, will always live on in the hearts of so many who will never stop loving or forget you. Merry Christmas and I'm sure you will have one with all our loved ones who has gone on with you. I just wish you could send Mom some love and comfort to help get me through some of these sad and lonely night.
I Love You My Baby Boy Shaun, Mom
                         
 
 
May 3, 2003

Hey to Mom's Baby Boy,
It's 5:30 am and this morning I have been thinking of you and wishing I could just touch, hold, hug, kiss, feel and talk to my Baby again. Shaun if the world could see the real me today and most everyday sense you've been gone they would know my life ended the day yours did Son. I know in my heart the pain I feel is as bad today as it was 5 years ago on this the worst day of my life and so many times I truly wish I could just die too because it hurts to much.  I have been sitting here for the last 4 hours crying, looking as your web site, reading the guest book and listening to all your songs that says all the things Mom feels in her heart about you. As always thinking what could I have done for you if I had just been there 5 years ago today. My love, God only knows how many times this day has play over and over in Mom's mind. I will always wonder what I could have done IF ONLY I could call back that day and been with you. I will never know or forgive myself for this. I sure hope this day is just another day in paradise for the Greatest Guy, Son, Baby Boy and most of all the Love of My life time!!! You SHAUN!!!  I know I don't do to many "Messages from Mom" because it's to hard but please know I will always love you. It just makes Mom have to deal with the real world and the real world tells me you're really gone and Son most of the time that's more than my heart can bear. I can truly say I would give my life to have just a little more time with you Baby. Please know you're always on my mind and forever in my heart. Love you Shaun,  Mom
                         
 
 


March 3, 2003
Shaun,Tomorrow my darling Son, is your birthday and from deep inside moms heart I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! I love you so very much. I just wish, as I sit here tonight, that I could be spending it with you. As always, moms crying, knowing there's nothing I wouldn't give to hold you tight in my arms one more time as I did 24 years ago. I was never to know all those years ago how much I would need and love you as I do today. Never to be able to say Happy Birthday Son again, its almost more than my heart can stand. My baby boy I can only hope you will have the best birthday ever and never know the pain in your mother's life. I know you can't be in heaven and know how much it hurts to spend this day without you because the bible tell us that you will never again know pain, hurt or sadness. It wouldn't be heaven if you could see me now because, my love, I'm truly dying inside daily without you to share my life with. I'm sure you have made so many great friends as I have gotten to meet so many of their mothers and they too are like me, lost without our wonderful children to look forward to the days of grandchildren and all the other things us mothers want from you guys. Just to hear you say good morning mom, I love you or its my birthday what did you get me. I really believe you would have said Mom don't worry about getting me anything. God, Shaun what I would give to hear that just one more time or Mom you worry to much I'll be alright. Please know tonight as it turns to March 4, 2003 I will be thinking of you Shaun and all the past birthdays that mom took for granted and thought you would be here forever in my life. God, please take care of my kind, caring, loving son, Shaun today and let him know how much he is loved by all who knew him and most of all his mom. Love you forever mom's baby boy!!!!!!! 
                           

 

12/15/2002

Shaun, as I'm making, your favorite No Bake cookies, my mind drifts back to the many times it was you and I making them. I loved our few short years together at Christmas time when we would make and bake candy and cookies the whole week before we went home to Leslie County to be with the rest of our family. Your friends would come home with you and some couldn't believe all the goodies we made. You would be so proud and tell them this is the way it is all the time but at Christmas it was always more. You love it when they would tell you how lucky you were to have a Mom who would bake all these thing for you. Almost every year one of your friends would help decorate the Christmas tree and I have so many pictures of you and them putting the ornaments on. These things and the memories Mom will always cherish with all my heart. I didn't think I could ever make No Bake cookies again after you were gone and still I can't without thinking of the one I love making them for the most. You My Baby Boy!

As I make all the candy and get everything ready to go back home to Leslie County my heart aches for you Shaun to go with me. I hate the drive by myself it takes so long and I have nothing to think about but you and the way it use to be. We would be so excited a week before we left. The night before your last day of school the car was packed and you knew I would pick you up after school and on our way we would go.

Lord, Shaun Mom had no ideal how great our lives were, although I thought I did. I knew we were happy and you would just be with me forever. How was I to know my world would come crashing down on May 3, 1998, at the young age of 19? How was I to know just how many hours or minutes was in a day in the life of your Mom? As always I'm crying again and son I just can't pour my heart out without crying.

As I go home on the 24th I go with a broken heart but I'll take a big part of you with me. This year our family and that will be 50 or more will be starting a new tradition, we will all be wearing a badge with your picture and Shaun this is everyone's way of wanting to help keep your memory alive as long as one of us remembers to wear it you live on my darling Shaun.

Love and missing you at Christmas time as much today as I did 5 Christmases ago, Mom 
                         

12/4/2002

Shaun, as I came home today it was snowing and my mind drifted back to the many times you loved playing in the snow. Now you know thats going to start, mom crying, just remembering how you would come in so cold and we always made hot chocolate. Son, my memory of you and I together at Christmastime are all good and that makes it hard for me to get in the Christmas spirit. If only I could have you once more to help me celebrate I know it would be so good again. Son If only!!!!

I was thinking the other day about one of our best Christmases with Paul, Richard and Geneva in Lancaster, Ky. It was 12/23 /1993. I love that one because everyone got something they wanted. After opening the gifts we all went out and walked the streets to look at the Christmas lights in all the stores. It was so cold but we loved that part to because we knew when we got back to the apartment wed make hot chocolate with chocolate chip cookies. The next day we all went to be with our on families. You and I always went back to Leslie County Ky. for Christmas, it could never be Christmas without going home and we never missed one year in your life. Those were the good times that I thought would always be there for us never knowing just how little time we had left, God what I would give if I could go back. Son If only!!!!

Shaun, I now realize I had it all and didnt understand I wasnt as grateful as I should have been. If only we could go back when I had you to spend everyday with I wonder what I would change. I dont think I could tell you more that I loved you because I told you so many times I know you got tired of hearing it. I do know I would slow down and enjoy my time with you more. I would laugh and play more and try not to worry as much as I did. Life passes us by way to fast and the little things that meant so much to you sometimes got over looked and Im just so sorry for all I didnt get to do. Son If only!!!!
                        


9-20-2002
 
Shaun
If  only Mom could really write you a lettler and know you would get it, it would go something alot like this.
 
Hey My Baby Boy hows things going for you  way up there in heaven with everyone.  I'm sure its great but  I miss you all so much.  Please tell Uncle Aubrey, Grandma and Grandpa Baker
that I love and miss them also.  But most of all please tell Mamaw Baker to put her arms around you and hold you closes to her heart and tell you about a mothers love for her baby.
Again, Shaun Mom can't stop crying.  I love the idea of you and her talking about me and you.  I know she would tell you
how special you always was to her. She loved you so much
as we all did and now to think her and Dad is always there with you makes me a lot happier. You was only two when we lost Grandpa so I'm sure you and him are having a great time talking about hunting and camping in the great outdoors. You and him always had so much in common and you loved to hear about him.  As Fall is upon us Shaun, I can see you everywhere.  It's squirrel and deer hunting season and camouflage is everywhere and anyone who knew you, knew you was a camouflage nut, but you was an adorable one.  I'd really like to know what your days are like. I hope they are as wonderful as you are to me.  Well my Baby Boy Shaun, until next time please know you are right her to stay forever in Moms heart and a sad heart it is without you love.
                                 Love Always and Forever
                                          Mom
                          


September 9, 2002

Well, my darling Baby Boy, we have had another family reunion at Lake Cumberland this year. This is our 13th year to meet and our 5th year without you. There were 45 of us this year and as everyone signed our book your name appeared many times. It makes me so happy to know just how much you are remembered, missed and loved by everyone. As I read what some had written about you, I laughed and cried but it was all good. Everyone wants to make sure your memory lives on so as we are blessed with new nephews and nieces I know they will learn about their cousin Shaun who was so loved. Shaun we have the Most Wonderful Family in the world and I know you would love them for all they have done and still do for mom. They have been long suffering with me and I now know it couldn't have been easy at times.

As I watched everyone riding the jet skis and the tube I could still see you in my mind doing these things. You were always so good at all of these things and you loved every minute of it. I know you loved the attention you always got because riding the jet skis and tubing always seem to come so easy for you and sometimes not so easy for others. I'm sure it was because you were around the water all your life. Shaun, so many times I just sit and wonder what would it have been like if you had been there with us. Would you have been married? Maybe I would have a grandchild, who knows maybe more than one. I'm sure I would have loved it! Son, I just wish I could know what you would have done this year but I'm sure it would be something that I would be worrying about, after all, you always said I worried to much.

This is the frist time I have truly enjoyed camping in 5 years and everyone seemed to notice that time and prayers has helped me with this. This has been a year of healing for mom and God knows I need to do some healing from my broken heart since you've been gone from my everyday life. But Son you will never be gone from my heart only death can take that from mom. I still love, miss and need you everyday.

Love,  Mom

                  

 

8-10-2002

As I come to this page on your web site Shaun I was heart broken to see some of my letters to you were gone. I'm sure when the web site was down for a few days it deleted them.
                   

 

Shaun,

I love working on this site for you but sometimes this one page is so hard for me. Its a reminder to me that you're really gone and lots of days if I work really hard on it I can make myself think you're only gone for a little while and will be home soon. I also know working on the other pages is my way of staying sane. Without you, Son, I wonder what God had in mind for me. I'm thinking he didn't understand how much Mom needed you in her life. Sometimes I feel so alone in this big old world without you Shaun. With all the love of our wonderful and caring family I still need you to make my life whole again. I know in my heart that this is not going to happen but I'm just not ready to tell my heart that.  Please always know you are and always will be # 1 in my heart and my life. 

Love and missing you my baby boy SHAUN
 

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