I was never given the opportunity to give this impact statement.  The man who took my son's life was to be sentenced at one o'clock in the afternoon on January 6,1999.  That day my brothers and I drove 125 miles to meet with the rest of Shaun's family.  We arrived around ten in the morning, however, Judge Cletus Maricle decided the weather was too bad to wait for us (Shaun's family) to get there.  Therefore, he sentenced him early.  This was very hard for me.  I had a need to be there for Shaun, as well as myself.  Even though, I know now, the outcome would have been no different I still felt the need to be there and be a face for Shaun.

 

 

 
As I come before you today I know I will be full of emotions. I don't know where to start. How do you tell anyone how much of an impact this has had on my life or how it has changed my life? Can anyone ever understand how much I've lost? The answer is no. Not unless you have lost a child.
Shaun was my only child. From the day he was born he was all I ever wanted. I think back to that day, March 4, 1979. It was Sunday 8:40 p.m. and my first words was "A boy!" We were expecting a girl. He weighed 7lbs. 15oz.. The love I felt for him that day would never compare with the love I felt for him as he grew older every day. It seems just like yesterday he was my baby boy and before I knew it he was taking his first steps. Next he was running, playing and yelling for mommy to watch him.
After his first day at school I was waiting with a camera as he got off the bus. He said he loved school and I couldn't help but cry. now it's time for good friends, best friends and before long, girlfriends. I have lots of his love letters and I always felt he was growing up too fast for mom. I always wished I could keep my little boy forever.
Unfortunatly time doesn't wait for anyone. I lost my father and nothing had ever hurt so bad. At times I felt I couldn't go on but then I had my baby boy. So I did the only thing I could; I picked myself up and Shaun was there to help me make the most of the bad times.
As time went on things began to happen that I knew he didn't understand such as his father and I divorcing. Looking back now I realized that it was harder than losing my own father. It was a sad time in both mine and Shaun's lives. But it was time to start a new life. I realized that we had to put the old one behind us and prepare to move on. It was hard but once again Shaun was there to help me through it all. He always was my strength.
We moved to Stanford and he missed the mountains so much. He was a true mountain boy. He loved to do anything with the outdoors. Considering all he had been through he really was a great kid. I have always been so proud of him. If his grandfather could have been here now he would have been so proud of Shaun. Both of them loved all the same things Shaun always liked to hear that the two of them would have been great hunting and fishing buddies.
After three years in Stanford I lost my mother. She had always been there for us and I had no idea what Shaun and I would do without her. She always made sure that we had what we needed. She always worried about us being alone. Once again we have lost a very dear and loving mother and grandmother. We loved her and and knew we would miss her so much. After all the hurt and pain I was able to go on knowing that I had the most important person in my life, my baby boy.
Shaun turned ten years old and the whole time I was screaming slow down you're growing up so fast but he loved growing up. It meant going hunting and fishing with his friends and he was missing the mountains more and more every day.
We lived in town and I knew this was no place for a country boy. So I moved back home with hopes that things would be different with his father and myself. However, times have changed us all and Shaun is put through another divorce. This time Shaun was a little older and understood a little more. It made him feel big knowing that he was the man of the house. He tried to help in every way by using his money for good grades to help pay rent. I knew it made him feel good and he was learning a valuable lesson at the same time. He felt that he was taking care of me and that I need him, he was so right.
As he graduated from the eighth grade, his aunts, uncles, cousins and friends came to Stanford to see him. He was so proud to be the star of the day and I was so thankful I had him. As a year in high school approached, Shaun was concerned about all the drugs and violence. This lifestyle was hard on Shaun since he was always raised to respect others and treat them the way he would want to be treated. Most kids today don't care about others but Shaun was different. Shaun chose a Christian school to go to and I felt I had done something right when he made that decision. I never gave him bad advice. I always tried to live a life in front of him that would allow him to say, "I never saw or heard Mom say bad things." I always wanted to give him the love of a family that I had as I was growing up and I feel that I did. Shaun never saw a stranger. It never mattered who he came into contact with. He was polite and spoke to everyone. The apartments we lived had lots of older people. He took time to listen to them when they were lonely and needed someone. It always made me proud when someone would stop me and tell me how nice and polite Shaun was. Shaun was a great kid who never got to be a man. he was just my baby.
I knew he wasn't satisfied. I tried everything I could to make him happy. I took him hunting, fishing and everything I could to make up for living in town. But he was determined to come home. He came back to what he thought was the best place to do the things he loved. It was the 1st time we'd ever been apart since he was born. I was the most unhappy mother in the world. He left in October 1994. I called, sent cards and letters every week. I came home to see him every chance I got. He knew I was so unhappy without him. He started calling and asking me to come home. He said he would live with me if I would move back to Leslie County. I agreed to come until he was out of high school, which would have only been two years and then we could move back to Stanford and buy a place of our own in the country. Much to my suprise, he agreed. So once again I gave up my job and my home in Stanford to be with my baby again. I needed him as much as he needed me.
In March of 1998 we began making plans to move back to Stanford. I think I was the happiest when I thought of us being close enough to watch out for one another. I went back to Stanford to find a place to live on April 23rd, 1998. That was the last time I saw my baby alive. I talked to him three times after I left Cutshin. The last time I saw him he knew I was leaving. He came home from school and we talked. We always said "I love you and if you need me you know where I am," to one another before leaving. I will never forget him saying to me, "Mom if you need me you know where I am." I will never forget. He and I always knew that when I touched my cheek that meant I wanted a kiss. We began that tradition when he was just a baby and the last time I saw him he gave me a kiss. He called me on May 1st to ask me if he could bring Kelly with him. That was the last time I would ever talk to him. He was born on a Sunday and on Sunday May 3rd I was at the horse park in Lexington. I was thinking, "Have I done my best with him? Did he know how much I loved him?" I was always worrying about him but I always thought I had done my very best and had done everything I could for him. He was my life.
Later that day my brothers come by to tell me my baby was gone. I began screaming "No way, he can't be!!" I don't remember alot other than saying "I can't live without him. Please God don't let it be true." I remember screaming, "Please let me wake up, God, please!! If I'm not dreaming then please let me die too." I was two hours away from Shaun. On the trip back to Leslie County I kept praying for God to please let me wake up. I couldn't live without my baby. I just couldn't do it. I called home to tell my family I had to see my baby. The pastor called me back and asked me not to go. I knew I would die if I couldn't see my baby that night. I didn't care what he looked like. He was my baby and I needed to see and touch him. I will never forget going into the room he was in. It was so cold. My baby boy was so cold. All I could say was, "Oh my God what have they done to you?" I kissed his face and hair over and over and cried out once more, "What have they done to my baby?" I will die with the memory of seeing him like that. I wanted to pick him up and rock him and tell him, "It's ok, mom's here with you, it'll be ok." I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and needed him. I looked into his eyes. I needed him to see me and hear what I had to say. I wanted to tell him, "Shaun we will wake up and it will all be over with, it's just a bad dream."
The most dificult thing was knowing that the man who murdered my baby was the last one to look into his eyes before he died, and the last to touch him. The one who took his life over a dog. I know in my heart if he had given Shaun the opportunity he would have explained why he killed the dog. I'm sure he was trying to say he was sorry he killed his dog. I know he would have tried to reason with this person about paying for the dog. Without a doubt I knew my son better than anyone else in the world. I know this boy, "my son," would never kill someone's dog for nothing. He made a mistake, he thought it was just a stray dog that someone had left to die. Shaun couldn't bear to see any animal suffer. He just made a mistake.
This man not only took my baby's life, he took my life as well as Shaun's aunts, uncles, cousins and friend's life to the grave. Almost every day someone is at that grave. My sisters and I have made a flower garden. They go water the flowers and fill the bird feeders up. I can't go as often as I like, because I live in Stanford. Shaun is the last thing I think of before I go to bed and the first thing on my mind in the mornings. I spend alot of my time alone and most of my day is spent in tears. Shaun and I enjoyed listening to the radio. We always kept one on wherever we were. Now if I turn mine on I can't stop crying. Every song reminds me of him. My life has definetly changed. Not one night has passed that I haven't wished I was dead. I can't see myself going on and ever being happy again. I sat in Stanford and watched spring, summer and fall come and go. It's like looking through a dirty window. I know there's beauty in these seasons but with my eyes it surely doesn't show. I've never felt so alone in my life. I take one day at a time and some days I take one minute at a time. I belong to a support group called "Compassionate Friends." It's an organization offering friendship to families who have lost a child. I think sometimes it helps to hear of other parents who have gone through what I have and yet survived. But then I wonder do I really want to survive? Most days I don't.
Nadine Baker
Victims Impact Statement